


Happier Thoughts

by sweeterthankarma



Category: SKAM (Netherlands)
Genre: But she doesn't know it yet, Crushes, F/F, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Missing Scene, Questioning, S2E9, lesbian engel beekman, scene introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:34:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25195525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweeterthankarma/pseuds/sweeterthankarma
Summary: If Liv is honest, everything feels like it’s crumbling around her. But in this room, in her tiny kitchen with Engel’s company, things are okay. Maybe she’s okay, too. Maybe they both are.
Relationships: Engel Beekman/Liv Reijners
Comments: 18
Kudos: 6





	Happier Thoughts

They eat tacos in close silence, each deep in thought. Engel is a good chef and Liv tells her so, getting quiet praises out in between full bites of ground turkey, lettuce, pepper-based salsa and wheat tortillas. Engel thanks her each time she gets a compliment and tips her head down in that cutesy way that she always does. When Liv makes an exaggerated face on her next forkful of rice, rolling her eyes back into her head, Engel tries her hardest not to flush pink and fails, like she does nearly every day when Liv does...well, nearly anything. 

Engel and Liv don’t spend much time alone without the others around, but it feels familiar to both of them. It makes Engel feel at home, makes her begin to wonder what exactly she’ll have to do to keep this as her home forever. She’s never realized how much she’s wanted what she already has until these past few months, and now she’s grown almost territorial, already calculating how to keep everyone in her circle near to her no matter how their lives change, if they choose to leave. (She’s always afraid that they’ll leave. Everyone always seems to end up leaving.)

For Liv, Engel’s presence is comforting, just like the heavy flavor of cilantro that sits on her tongue long after dinner is finished and cleaned up. She tries to focus on that, along with all of the other good things in her life, and less on the fact that Noah’s moving to Berlin and probably hates her guts. Morris must, too, but she’s less concerned about him.  _ Verdomde klootzak.  _

And sure, Liv is elated that nothing happened at the party and she didn’t get raped like she expected —  only assaulted, like that’s  _ so _ much better — but the fact that she has to make peace with the latter after spending so many hours of so many days worrying about the former is pretty solid proof that her life could be a hell of a lot nicer.

If Liv is honest, everything feels like it’s crumbling around her .  But in this room, in her tiny kitchen with Engel’s company, things are okay. Maybe she’s okay, too. Maybe they both are. 

Engel feels sorrowful and hopeful at the same time for both her and Liv’s sake — and Isa’s, because it’s growing clearer every day that she’s not over Kes, that no amount of time spent with him or away from him has eased (or will ease) the pain of thinking of what could have been. 

Engel sort of gets that. It’s a bit like the way she feels about most of her friends, whether it be Imaan, who is always kindly critical and fiercely loyal, but who she hasn’t heard from in days and the last text was about how poorly her grandmother was doing. Or Isa, who hasn’t said a word about their drunken kiss since it happened— and her words were simply “oh god, I don’t feel so good,” followed by a panicked run outside for air and a bush to puke in. 

Or Liv, who’s so far away from her even as they’re so close, hugging before Engel heads home. 

Liv’s curls brush against Engel’s cheek, replaced a second later with Liv’s lips. She makes a point of making noise as she smooches her, then pulls away and tucks her hair behind her ears. Their eyes linger on each other for a long time, or maybe time’s just slowing down for Engel. (It seems to do that a lot lately, especially when Liv is around.)

“Liv,” Engel calls out to her before she leaves. The strap of her pastel grocery bag falls down her shoulder as she turns, and she adjusts it as she comes closer, holding onto the fabric as if to steel herself. Engel isn’t sure why she’s nervous all of a sudden. 

“I meant what I said about you being beautiful,” Engel gets out before she can think better of it. The words fall from her mouth quick but honest, brave. “Then, and now. No matter what. You are. Beautiful, I mean.”

It surprises Liv. She blushes, pretty and subtle, and pulls Engel in for another hug before she goes, though not as long this time. Engel counts the seconds, holds her breath.

“You too, Engel.” 

She thinks about it a lot. Too much. All the same, she tries not to. The only thing that she knows is that she wants Liv to be happy in any and every capacity, but also she wouldn’t exactly be sad if Noah did leave for Berlin and Liv were to stay single. Maybe then, Engel could work up some more courage. Maybe then, she’d have less to think about, or at least have some happier thoughts. 

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi and talk about Skam with me in the comments or at my Tumblr blog [here!](https://sweeterthankarma.tumblr.com/)


End file.
